My Heart's Diary Blog #1 : "What Was"

I wrote a poem called, "What Was" on May 11th, 2018.

This poem reflects my own feelings of missing someone I loved very much. It describes the heart-wrenching and rough aftermath of a break up from someone who never even caused deliberate harm. It makes it a bit difficult to walk forward, passed all of it, when you have no reason to hate their guts; it's interesting how deep negative feelings towards someone makes it that much easier.

I wrote this as a way to slowly move on, by being honest in how I felt, but simultaneously being honest about the reality of the situation; honest about the truth I wanted to continue denying, but at this point I've benefited from accepting it. I've allowed the pain to do its teaching and bidding in me, but now it has finally left the station on a train that hopefully won't be around for awhile; I would greatly appreciate a break, Fate!

So here is my poem, "What Was." I created a fun video for it as well on my new YouTube Channel, The Savvy Writer, and I'll have the video/link available at the bottom of this blog.

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Who knew that losing you a second time when I failed to bring you back home, would hurt worse than when you were mine for the last time. When my head was allergic to our situation, until I got a prescription called "Self-Care" after a month of rehab. Its side effects include antisocial behavior, an empty bank account, and missing you. Here's the catch: the pills can only be swallowed by my feelings, and the oceans I have hiding behind my iris's. After attending a cognitive therapy and being prescribed a lifestyle, it led to hallucinations that project when you're on my mind. When I want nothing more than to breathe the same air as you. To be confined within the same square-footage. To feel the same room temperature. I imagine, you smiling at me, your goofy-toothed grin from eye to eye. I imagine, you being happy without the mask that fakes it for you. I imagine, us thinking of one another simultaneously, every single star peaking through our windows from different locations. You texting me, saying everything I've waited for. I imagine, you driving to me, sick of the distance; hearing knocking on the door, wondering where we've been. I imagine your lips pressed to the familiar scar you left upon my forehead from that same silent "I love you." I imagine, you walking away from me. I imagine, the only sweet nothing that passes from your lips, your mouth moving, but my ears refusing to hear. I imagine, you might say "you'll be just fine without me," while the warmth of your kiss still sears into the skin above my eyebrows. I remember, your laugh that I don't know why it ever annoyed me, but I want to hear it on an mp3. I remember your good mornings. I remember your tea obsession, yet you loved me enough to even share a drop. I remember, your acceptance of the mess that I am, like the night you stayed up to be sure I'd be alive the next morning. I remember it happening on a night after time without you. I remember you telling my parents because you were worried. I know now, even though in your heart I'm no longer welcome, I'm at least welcome to your words. I would rather know you after all of our turmoil, than to live without ever knowing your name. Without knowing you moved to the town I've lived my entire life in. To live without knowing how your eyes darken with your passion, or brighten with excitement. To live without being on the other side of your night wishes. To live without loving you with everything I have, and I everything I would ever be. The point is, as long as I live, a part of me will always love you.