Getting Back To Me

As if going through a breakup isn't hard enough, the aftermath is the most difficult. You are working to find yourself again, with your emotions going every which way. Mood swings become increasingly apparent!

Being a person who is in love with love itself, it's been difficult to just pay complete attention to myself and my needs without my heart skipping a beat at someone who most likely doesn't think the same about me. Even though I know in reality, my heart needs way more time to stitch itself back together, it doesn't change the fact that the cliche love we are spoon fed through the film industry, novels, and music, is something we wish for still.

The moment we realize that life is not meant to have the story line of a cliche movie, is the moment we can live life without getting our hopes up for them just to be shot down again. The many happy endings that we experience in life don't always mean a relationship working out. Sometimes a happy ending to each chapter in our lives means getting back to the basics of loving ourselves. If the film industry accurately portrayed how life really works, Hollywood would go down in flames from the lack of lies they tell; we'd rather watch movies about our own dreams and wishful thinking, instead of reality which is hard to comprehend and accept most of the time.

With high school finally over, I can actually work on myself 100%, more so due to the fact that I will be taking a year off after graduation. The past two and a half months have been the hardest I've been through before, and being able to be happily single is much easier said then done.

Today, after being emotionally distraught and stuck in the house my sadness, I finally went outside and actually stayed out for a couple hours. I was able to walk through Main Street of our little town, with music in my ears and a book in my hand. My first stop was to the local gas station for a soda and snack, before heading down to the park. I sat down at a park bench by the river, and just sat there reading.

No negative thoughts swimming through my head; no pessimistic reality; just my inner voice reading to me. While I sat there, I was able to have some inspiration for a new poem and wrote the following :

"I'm lucky to be an allergy free human being.

Today on June 3rd of 2018, I stepped outside in the fresh, humid air.

Pollen floats through the air like daytime fireflies.

One drifts down to say 'hello', down from the trees bordering the picnic table I sit at.

A book in hand, specifically written from the beautifully human mind of r.h. Sin.

I'm trying to find myself again in each typewriter-font-word, on each 5x6 inch page.

The ink is made of his tears, and bloodshed from his past.

I can relate.

My father advised this morning that I walk down to the river, and stick my feet in.

Let the river run over my feet, and allow the future to float down the tiny waves, slow and steady, only arriving when I'm ready.

Press my toes into the dirt, burying my past, and digging up life lessons.

Though I didn't follow this advice, I know I will someday.

The chance to sit in the center of the day life, a barbecue being set out across the park, Main Street alive with the windows open looking out to the morning strolls and freedom in conversation.

In the daylight, the blooming trees show me that it's okay to stand tall in my own beauty.

The grass says, as I walk through it, that I will always grow and come right back from the ground when I'm stepped on.

The sun comes through the clouds, gracing my pale skin, wondering where I've been.

The clouds depart as my sadness slowly drifts away, the forecast now allowing for sunny weather.

To Mr. Holmes, the composer of the thread of words in my hand, you are helping me to realize my worth.

I am finding my heart again, and I never needed anyone to piece it together for me.

I have me. And I will always have me.

Thank you for your Whiskey Words and a Shovel for keeping me company as I stroll through nature that is my home.

I wasn't lonely, but never refused the company of your wisdom.

I wasn't lonely, but I am contentedly alone."

I hope you all can learn something from this journey I've blogged about so far, and through my writing going forward. Please leave a comment with what you think! If you're viewing this blog through a Facebook post, please comment there and I will definitely see it and respond!

Also!!! I highly recommend reading r.h. Sin's work! I only have two of his books so far, but he is an incredible writer!