The Invigorating Side of a Break-Up

Previously posted March 21st. Re-posted on March 28th, 2018.

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At the age of 18 years, 3 months, and one week, I've had two relationships. These two relationships lasted roughly a year and a half, then the next was almost a year. Both ended with me still in love with them, which made it even harder to make the decision to do so. The reasons for both break-ups were due to my needs being unfulfilled, and they were affecting my mental/emotional health in negative ways. It took brutal-honesty with myself, and pep talks with my parents to guide my judgement. I've found that separating myself from the toxicity of these relationships made me feel free, taking the anxiety off of my shoulders, and leaving me room for myself which I should've been able to easily make in the first place.

Out of these two relationships, the first was toxic in the context of this person treating me terribly. He treated my anxiety like it didn't make sense. He made me feel bad for caring every time I asked if he was okay. "Quit worrying so much! Just be happy! Just smile!" NOW. If you have anxiety and you hear those words, what do you feel? Your blood begins to boil because you know you cannot just flip a switch and be okay again, no matter how much you wish you could. Anxiety does not come and go like the light from your ceiling fan that's controlled by a light switch; you cannot control it, but it doesn't mean you cannot overcome it.

The second relationship, I wouldn't say was toxic, but it became unhealthy as time went on. This person and I had differences that we couldn't necessarily reconcile, and it's not by the fault of either of us. You can't help needing more room to grow for yourself. You can't help the things you are unable to change. This also does not mean friendship isn't possible.

With the semi-short backstories over with, I'd love to get to the main topic of this blog: the relief you feel when you're newly single, after releasing yourself from unhealthy situations.

It's my second day of being newly single, and I'm almost two months away from graduating high school. I'm about two and a half months away from beginning my life. I'm almost two months away from the end of high school, and I haven't done a whole lot of what, per-say, "normal" teenagers do.

I've never sneaked out of my house(s) to meet up with friends. I've never gone to a high school party. I've never skipped class. I've never gotten to ask someone on a date just to get to know them, without worrying and hoping for a relationship that may or may not arise. I've never gone on dates with someone and not already been in a relationship with them.

I guess the majority of my high school life has consisted of me being in relationships more than I've been single. Being single gives you freedom to be yourself, and continuously grow within yourself unconditionally, and without restriction. In both of my relationships, I was consumed by anxiety, the first worse than the second, but consumed no less. I was constantly worrying if my partner was okay, and trying to figure out ways to help them when they needed support. But my father noticed the pattern as both relationships would continue, and would always say, "You're not his therapist, and you're not suppose to be." I can support them, but I don't have the knowledge and skills to help them. It's not my responsibility to fix their problems.

Whenever the conversation of relationships arises with my dad, it's always the same mantra, not that I complain : "You're eighteen, you're not meant to have relationships at this age that are so serious," in other words, I shouldn't be having to deal with relationships being so stressful and unhealthy at this age. This is the time for me "to be eighteen," and "to have fun."

When my most recent relationship ended not two days ago, a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders; all of the anxiety that weighed me down, was taken from my shoulders, and I felt free. Not to say I don't still care for the person I was with, I most certainly hope the best for him. But I knew, that I had made the right decision, even though it hurt like hell to let go. I knew it was important for me to make the decision for the sake of my well-being.

Now, instead of my mind being plagued with worrisome thoughts of "what if's" and fears, I'm instead infested with excitement, and hope for the future; it's the kind of anxiety that gets your insides tingling with butterflies, and a smile growing onto your face at the very thought of a bright future.

I like to imagine that the future, with it's arms wide open, is waiting for me to get there as each day passes; surprises in hiding, lessons being planned, and God smiling down on me in anticipation for me to experience his gifts and teachings.

Though I look forward to maybe meeting someone new, a thought came to my mind today: "Why don't I date myself?"

In my head, the tone was more joking than serious, but it quickly hit me that it wasn't such a bad idea.

What if I went to the movies by myself? What if I took myself out on coffee dates? Went to lunch with myself. Sat in a corner booth with a book for a couple hours; oh yes, being THAT girl. Maybe even bring my laptop with me, writing with whatever inspiration passes by the window, or walks through the door.

It makes me wonder why wanting to go out and do things ALONE is so intimidating.

Even if I'm still understanding the newfound spontaneity, and getting used to being single, I look forward to taking advantage of how invigorating life currently feels.